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Some Ideas for Your Matchmaking Checklist

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The list of questions below is meant to give recipients some ideas for things to keep track of as they contact and talk with potential donors, while they're trying to make a match here on KDR.  Ideally, a recipient would create a list of things that she wants and/or needs to know about her donor, and then fill in the list for each new donor she considers.  Then she can use that information to compare donors and make her decision based on good information as well as on her gut instinct.

Recipients, if you use this material, PLEASE do not copy and paste the whole list into an email and expect a potential donor to answer them all in one go.  You'll probably never hear from him again!  Instead, take a look at the list, add anything else that matters to you, and then pick the most important questions (maybe 5 or 10) and start him with those.  You can get through more of them in later messages, or during chats or conversations, and keep track of his responses as you go.  The important thing is that you take the time to ask every question that matters to you before that first donation, and that you write it all down so you can look at it later if need be.  By the same token, as you're asking him about himself, don't be surprised if he's asking you some equally personal questions about yourself!

 

Your Health

  • Do you have any chronic health problems?
  • Are you currently on any medication?
  • Do you have any allergies (foods, animals, chemicals, medications, environment)?
  • Do you wear glasses or contacts, or have you ever had laser eye surgery?
  • Have you ever had a genetic screening or genome analysis done?
    • Would you be willing to get one done?
  • Are your parents and grandparents still living?
    • If any of them aren't, how long did they live, and what did they die of?
  • Are there any genetic disorders or predispositions within your family?
  • Do you smoke?
  • Do you drink?
  • Do you take any recreational or illegal drugs?
  • What is your current level of fitness?
    • How often do you exercise, and what sports or activities do you do?
  • Describe your diet on a typical day.


Your Character / Personality

  • What are your passions?
  • What words would you use to describe yourself?
  • What words would your friends use to describe you?
  • Do you consider yourself introverted or extroverted, or somewhere in between?
  • What do you do in your free time (hobbies / interests)?
  • Are you a quick learner?
    • Do you learn more by touching and trying things, or by listening and studying?


Your Track Record

  • How long have you been donating for?
  • How many women are currently pregnant from your donations?
  • How many babies have been born from your donations?
  • What donation method(s) do you provide? (AI, Sex, Shipping, Cryobank)
    • If you offer donations by sex, are you currently donating to anyone that way?
    • If you were to start donating by sex, would you tell your other recipients?
    • If you're willing to ship, have you ever shipped before?
    • If you're willing to ship, have you had a success by shipping?
  • How many recipients are you currently donating to?
  • What is the highest number of recipients that you are willing to donate to in the same month?
  • Can you put me in touch with a recipient who you previously donated to?
    • Did she achieve a successful pregnancy with you?


Your Current Situation

  • What is your current relationship status?
  • If you have a partner:
    • Do they know that you donate?
    • What do they think about your donation activity?
    • How involved are they in your donation activity?
  • If you don't have a partner:
    • If you get involved with someone, will you tell them that you donate?
  • How many sexual partners have you had in the last year?
    • In the last five years?
  • When was the list time you had STD testing done?
    • Where did you have it done?
    • What did they test for?
    • What were the results?
    • Can you send me a copy?
    • Are you willing to get new STD test results done if I ask?
  • When was the list time you had fertility testing done?
    • Where did you have it done?
    • What did they test for?
    • What were the results?
    • Can you send me a copy?
    • Are you willing to get new fertility test results done if I ask?
  • Do you have any children of your own?
    • If yes, do you want more?
    • If no, do you plan to have children someday?
    • Are you willing to provide photos of your children?
  • Does anyone in your personal life know that you donate?
    • If yes, then who, and how do they feel about it?
    • If not, why not?
  • What do you do for a living?
    • Are you currently employed?
    • Have you ever had another career?
  • What is your educational background?
    • Did you do well in school (GPA)?
    • What is your IQ?
  • How many days in an average year are you travelling and therefore unable to donate?
  • What are your plans for the future?


Your Motivation

  • Please list the reasons why you donate, and provide enough detail to help me understand each reason.
  • When do you expect to stop donating, and why?
  • Do you have a maximum number of donor children that you will help create?
  • What do you consider your relationship to be with the children who result from your donations?
  • Do you keep in touch with all of your past successful recipients?


Making a Match

  • Do you disclose your name, age, and contact information (email, phone number, etc) to a recipient once you make a donation commitment to her?
    • Are you willing to exchange copies of your ID, like a driver's license?
    • Are you willing to submit to a background check?
  • Are you willing to provide recent photos of yourself?
  • Are you willing to provide photos from your childhood?
  • Are you willing to spend some time in chat with me as part of the matchmaking process?
    • Online chat?
    • Phone calls?
    • Video chat?
  • How much contact would you want to have with me during my TTC?
  • Would you want any ongoing contact with me after I become pregnant?
  • Would you want any ongoing contact with my child during his or her childhood?
  • Are you open to being contacted by the child when they turn [X] years old?
  • Would you need to have a donation agreement between us?
    • If so, what would you need it to include?
    • If not, what are your opinions on the idea?
  • What do you look for in a recipient?
  • Would you need to be reimbursed for any expenses?
  • Would you commit to being available to donate to me again in [X] years, to help with another child?

Happy matchmaking!
YVR

 

in Tips & Tricks Hits: 11650 13 Comments

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  • A very extensive list for sure. Bravo YVR! I must also second that you shouldn't copy and paste this whole thing in an email though, it would probably scare a donor off quick!

    2 Like
  • This is a great list.

    1 Like
  • Thanks for the feedback!
    If anyone has any ideas for additional questions, please add them in comments here.

    YVR

    0 Like
  • YVR, I think this a great list, not only for Donors, but also all Recipients as well.
    Of course some of the questions should be modified for the Recipient.
    Of course nothing is written in stone, your own poersonal list of questions and back ground checks is individual.
    It is important for both parties to be comfortable, well informed and know each other a little, Skype is good to help with face to face
    talking.

    1 Like
  • Great list!!! Everything that I had trouble putting on paper...u summed up in this list of yours!! Bravo!! and THANKS!!!

    1 Like
  • Guest - Jami

    Thanks! You have no idea how helpful this is!

    0 Like
  • So, you are the one who came up with the question: the reasons why you donate? :-) This is the most common question that I get. It should also be noted that reasons vary for donating, and not one answer may not be the same and vary wildly. Nor any one reason...or explanation thereof should be used as a reason to qualify or disqualify any specific donor. It sounds more like a Rorschach Test. The interpretation could vary from recipient to recipient. It is subjective.

    In querying anybody, misinterpretations and misunderstandings can easily happen. Whatever questions are asked, be it recipient-donor, donor-recipient, always be respectful of that individual. When somebody is TTC ---they can be very stressed too. When talking to donors, remember they are volunteers giving the gift of life. If the 'creep-meter' isn't set off, be nice and respectful. Third-degree's aren't a huge necessity, for somebody giving you such a profound gift. Donors, like recipients, need to be treated with respect too.

    I think questions on when a donor wishes to stop donating, and the maximum number of children he wishes to help make is not a huge necessity in determining the quality or standard of that donor. If a donor has a lot of bio-kids, it could be used to discriminate against him; a small number another reason to discriminate. When he wishes to stop, should be his business, and not a qualifying or disqualifying standard. People have the right to do what they want. Remember, the privacy issue, and not being so invasive on your donor that his privacy...or privacy of his recipients are grossly violated.

    Questions about numbers of sexual partners in the last five years is a tad invasive too, and not necessarily conclusive or proving of anything, one way or another. It can also be downright misleading too. It is always very advantageous to ask questions in any situation. Knowledge is crucial. But also respect that your donor has privacy and feelings too. Talking to your donor, getting a "feel" of what he's like goes a long way to understanding if he is the right match for you. You don't have to rake him over the coals. Most donors are fine---it is a matter of finding the right match for you... The really bad ones are in the minority.

    I had a recipient demand lists of my successful recipients (with me)---and not for the right, normal reasons. When I refused, she got quite irate with me, and set off to try and make my life hell for me. I don't know where in these lists I can screen out irate, hard-to-communicate with recipients. Questions on what one does for living, what they did, their gpa, and what their future plans are should not necessarily be a qualifying or disqualifying standard either. It creates an arbitrary standard of "classes" or "castes" of donors that could be viewed as being blatantly discriminatory and exclusionary, and does not necessarily denote intellect, artistic and other genetically-inherited abilities, or other good genetic qualities.

    STD testing, fertility testing are absolutely important in any donating situation.

    What those in your personal life think about your donating is very much not critical either. Half my family agrees---the other half doesn't lol. Who gives a damn. Is it really that important to know what they think? Many of us cannot even agree with our friends, never mind our families. If somebody's family or friends disagreed with their donating, does that mean the donor cannot donate?? There are no qualifying (or disqualifying standards) for that. Again, it is subjective. Some parts of these author's lists of questions definitely need to be revised.

    Remember, for a large part there are no right or wrong answers (depending on personal mindset), and interpretations from recipient to recipient can vary wildly. A caveat should also be offered that the authors of these questions lists are not psychologists or sociologists, and therefore these questions should not be viewed as an 'all-seeing oracle' into a donor's mindset. There are some very good questions in the list, but others very much not so. Anybody interested in using both of these author's lists should carefully note that and either sort through the lists...or come up with their own questions. After all, you are the recipient. A;ways be mindful that it is a human being you are talking to...and if you have to point that same fact out to your prospective donor. Mutual respect goes a long way towards possibly clinching the deal.

    Basically, the standard for answering these questions from these author's lists essentially does not exist, but somewhere in the personal mindset of each person.:o

    Comment last edited on about 11 months ago by ToddD
    0 Like
  • I like this blog and support it (though how dare you do blogs, that's my thing :p)

    I have to reply to some of Todd's comments:

    While I have nothing against The "why do you donate" question, but I don't think it's as important as some believe. I find donors have all rehearsed some nice pithy comment about "I want to help women make their dreams come true" and "because I knew someone without kids and that's terrible" It sounds nice and altruistic and great...and usually is the answer the donor thinks someone wants to hear rather than an honest answer. Honestly most donors are not motivated purely by altruism, and that doesn't necessarily make them bad donors; but the discrepancy between the reason some donors give for donating and the full honest motivations can be drastic. In fact this tendency to try to give the 'right answer' to this question is so bad that when a donor gives a truly honest answer to this question, admitting some personal motivations for donating, his honesty can be held against him because it can't compete with the great flowerery "TO HELP ALL MANKIND" answer that 80% of donors give. It's like asking a beauty queen contestant if she could have one wish what would it be and expecting an answer other then "world peace", they know that a frank answer will be held against them and so give the answer you want to hear. In short this question rarely gets truly honest answers and is only really useful if you can read between the lines and recognize answers that sound nice but have no substance; and thus I rarely rank it very high when analyzing quality of donor based of of answers they have given,

    I have to COMPLETELY disagree with Todd saying the third degree isn't required though. Donors are not saints for donating. As I said most donors have their own selfish reasons for donating, pride, spreading genetics, chance for sex, etc. The act of donating does not make a donor any better then anyone else in the world, some are great and some are horrible, and many somewhere in between, a with all humans. Fully screening donors to find out if they are truly great IS required to get a good donor. You should do it politely and understandingly and not leap to conclusions without giving a donor an opportunity to prove himself; However, you SHOULD ask the questions. And if a donor won't tolerate your asking questions in an attempt to protect yourself and do what is best for your child then he is not worthy of the honor of donating to you (and trust me it *IS* an honor to donate to a good couple). Of course you still need to respect your donor and, above all else, be honest with them. He is still a human and has feelings and emotions; I could tell you some truely horrible things recipients have done to donors. Ask questions, expect a donor to prove himself, but still remember he is a human being and deserves as much honesty and respect as you want from him.

    Donors don't get privacy! or at least, the donor deserves to have privacy but he must accept that he may not get the honor of donating for you if he wishes to keep that privacy. You have every right to ask for any information so long as you do it politely. The donor may occasionally refuse to provide it, but if he is refusing to often that may be a sign he is not a good option; you deserve to know what your getting into with a donor!

    I agree that number of successes is rather minor issue when it comes to donor. The odds of two donor children meeting is slim to null and easily protected against if your donor is open to sharing what information he is allowed to about his recipients. I don't think it is a big deal....but by all means you have a right to ask that question and I don't see why a donor shouldn't be willing to provide the answer; even if I would not suggest putting much weight on it when making your decision.

    you have EVERY right to ask about sexual partners. This is a MAJOR issue that can put you at serious STD risk. Donors know and expect you to ask this, and it's only wise to do so for your own safety. I would be quite hesitant to use a donor that wouldn't answer this question. Both because it suggests he may have a history of sexual behaviors that should concern you he doesn't wish to concern and in general for his being unwilling to share details that you have *every* right to ask about! though of course ask this question diplomatically.

    While you should not *expect* to speak to other recipients for a new donor, who likely has few successes and most probably prefer anonymity, there is no harm in asking this question. Ideally the donor will have some who are happy to speak with you , and if he doesn't no harm done. However, I've had many successes and few would really want to talk to other recipients, most are private about this, or just plan busy; so realize that just having a success doesn't mean he has a recipient willing to speak with you. That being said a donor with a half dozen or more recipients will likely have at least one or two willing to speak with you. If the donor is claiming dozen of successe and can't provide any that's a bit unusual, but It *could* be his truely trying to protect their innocence. If, however, the donor is constantly providing details about his recipients but won't let you speak with them (ie he isn't doing it to protect their privacy) that would be very suspect.

    Questions about donors job, as well as education, past jobs/activities etc, all are good potential indications of IQ. The jobs and education are by themselves not what matters, and a donor with limited education but other proof of high IQ would still be great, but they are a good way of attempting to judge IQ. IQ is one of the 4 most important traits for donors (along with health, personality, and general trustworthiness/openness), and is one of the MOST important thing to screen for. I can't stress how much I would screen based off of that.

    By contrast fertility test from donors under the age of 35 aren't always required if they have had a few successes. Most donors are perfectly healthy and no fertility issues. If they have proof of a success or two there is little reason to doubt fertility. With shipping there is a little more reason to get STD tests. Unproven donors, especially shipping, it's definitely worth considering though; or donors over the age of 35 when fertility can potentially start to drop.

    This is a great list that condenses the most important questions. I would suggest EVEN MORE questions, but this is a good start. Don't let donors convince you to use them without asking questions, if they want the honor of donating for you then make them prove they are a good and safe option to use! if they won't be open and honest then maybe they are hiding something, but in any case you can't *know* they are great, and that is enough reason to avoid them; because you don't want to settle for anything less then great when it comes to 25% of what your child will become and the single most important decision of your life!

    0 Like
  • Thank you so much. I have been drawing a blank on questions to ask, other than the basic. This will help out so much.

    1 Like
  • You're welcome! Good luck to you with your search.

    0 Like
  • This blog and a few of the responses have been extremely insightful and helpful. It's a very straightforward approach for all the worries that have been on my mind as I try to navigate forward. I definitely had questions they were just all over the place and now I've been able to organize my thoughts.

    1 Like
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