'To single mother or not to mother?' that was my question.
"Why don't you want to have a baby the traditional way?" is what I was recently asked by a new acquaintance. And I quickly retorted that "want" had nothing to do with it. I've dreamed of meeting my husband and the father of my kids, and still do, but birthday 38 came and went without him appearing. So, I had some testing done and asked three doctors the game changing question, "Do I have time to wait to try to be a mom?" and was told 'No!' by all 3. So the question I realized that I needed to answer for myself was, "Am I going to be a single mother or not be a mother at all?"
I deeply felt that these were my only 2 options at this stage. Ever since I had my first baby dolls, I've dreamed of being a mom, not just the parenting part of it, but the pregnancy part of it. I want to experience life growing inside me. I want to look at an ultrasound and see the image of her face and hear her heartbeat from the depth of the womb. I want to put my hand on my belly and feel her kick. I want to experience the pain of childbirth and the joy of holding her and looking into her eyes for the first time already knowing her. I've looked into adoption previously, and I might again in the future, but first I wanted to try to have a baby that would be as much of me as possible which meant answering the question of whether or not I was willing to do it alone. And, as many of you have probably also experienced, I was capricious about my answer. (Sometimes even now I still waver, which I have learned is common and thus I refuse to feel guilty for it.)
My dream of being a mom through pregnancy won and 3 months after my 38th birthday I excitedly and a little apprehensively decided to pursue insemination. I want to be a mom, even if it means doing it single. I want to look into my baby's smile and think, "She's her mama's girl. She's a little me." And so my baby story began!